“Ladder” — Joan Osborne
You were probably hoping for something sexier or more exciting, like Borderline Personality Disorder or Paranoid Schizophrenia. Sorry. I agree that mine aren’t terribly interesting, but they are enough to color my view of myself and, in a certain way, how I see the world. Oh, and most of the time they annoy the shit out of me.
That said, though, sometimes I kinda dig the fact that I can say that I’m crazy and my psychiatric file can back me up on it. Is that weird? I don’t know…I guess it might be. All I know is that when I’m feeling like *embracing my crazy*, the first song I turn to is “Ladder” by Joan Osborne.
You might remember Joan from her most recognized track “One of Us“. That’s a great song, but I don’t feel it the way I feel “Ladder”. I can still remember the internal dialogue my brain engaged in the first time I heard this song. It went something like this:
Today and everyday….
***Janna’s brain: Joan! I am liking that piano. Good times.
I’m standing here in your closet
Unbuttoning all your clothes
***Janna’s brain: Whoa. That’s not normal.
I sleep in your bed tonight
But I never find you home
***Janna’s brain: Hmmm…
You’re giving me crooked answers
I’m cracking your little code
I’m learning another language
So full it’s about to explode
***Janna’s brain: Aha! I think I see where you’re going with this, Joan, but let me hit the back button on my player so I can make sure I got all that.
So that’s what I did–and it made me so happy, because I was RIGHT!
If you listen to the rest of this song, you can tell it is about a woman who is still in love with a guy who is losing (or has already lost) interest in the relationship. However, she can’t shake her obsession and she’s totally fine with admitting that to herself.
You gave me a ladder, now
I surely believe I’ll climb
It don’t even matter, now
I’m willing to take my time
I’m gonna love you anyway
Today and everyday
Okay, I’m not saying it’s healthy. I’m not even saying it’s normal…but damn, I have a hard time not loving a song that provides me with an opportunity to honor my crazy. And I feel like that’s really the point here. For whatever reason, this guy’s still got her heart. I think she knows the relationship isn’t gonna go the way she wants, but she can’t help herself. And she doubts whether she’ll ever be able to. And that’s insane!
I don’t really relate to the obsessing over a man you can’t have facet of this story (at least not now), but I totally get being obsessed with something that you can’t change or fix. See, I’ve got my own ladder–it just leads me to a different (though equally nutty) place. I’m better off when I keep my feet firmly planted on the ground of sanity. Nevertheless, I occasionally climb it anyway. My ladder might not take me anywhere that’s positive or helpful but it’s part of who I am and sometimes that urge to climb up and see how freaked out I can get about something just wins. It.just.wins! And I think I have to be okay with that.
In all seriousness, I have a good handle on my anxiety most days…but those times when I just can’t help myself, I really appreciate this song being there for me and helping me embrace my crazy. So thanks, Joan! xoxoxo!
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Posted on 09/23/2011, in Finding Myself, Human Behavior, In Touch, Pleasant Surprises, Uncategorized and tagged anxiety, Borderline Personality Disorder, crazy, diag-nonsense, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, internal dialogue, Joan Osborne, Ladder, music, one of us, Panic Disorder, Paranoid Schizophrenia. Bookmark the permalink. 3 Comments.